Nunnabe Dairies: At war with myself

Oh, it's World War Three in my head. The first causality was my sanity but I think we all knew that was hanging by a thread.
Decision making is easy, it's the aftermath that's tricky. That's when you have to live in to that decision. You also have time to think about that decision. That's when wars start.
I've always thought that I make the best decisions when I'm caught off guard- but I'm doubting that. Yes, I made a decision off guard and not having a lot of coffee. It was a decision that most think long and hard over. However, I feel good about the decision- almost lighter. I find myself being more focused and organized than ever. It wasn't as if I was never going to make that decision- this was just much sooner than I expected. Actually, it was sooner than anyone expected.
Maybe some of the best decisions we make are the ones we don't expect to make. We just jump in feet first.
Or maybe there is a reason some think long and hard about the decision I made. Yep, my head is spinning.
Yes, it wouldn't be discernment if I didn't doubt everything but my last name.
With any vocation crisis I will take two Aspirin and call the vocation director in the morning.

The Nunnabe Chronicles: The Pizza Party that went horribly wrong

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

So I've taken up reporting a few stories here and there. This faux-story is based on actual events.


Sister Alice stares absent-minded out the window as she tries to recall 'that night'.
"It was supposed to be a little gathering of our discerners and a few sisters," she sighed. According to her, four young women came over to her convent to have pizza and meet a few of the nuns. Earlier that day one of the discerners asked her if it was okay she brought over her ten-month old nephew.
"'What's the harm?' I thought. Surely nothing could go wrong." Sister Alice took a framed picture of Jesus that was sitting on her desk and shoved it in her desk drawer.
"Oh was I wrong."
According to Sister Alice, there was trouble as soon as the baby and the discerner entered the room. Two of the other discerners raced toward the baby and begged to hold him first. Soon they started to argue. It then got ugly.
"One of the sisters was a negotiator for the United Nations for thirty years. Even she couldn't get those two to stop fighting. The baby had to be taken to another room to avoid being hurt!" Sister Alice exclaimed.
Suddenly, in the middle of the discerner fight the fourth discerner ran out of the room screaming 'BABIES! BABIES EVERYWHERE! GOD WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! IS THIS A SIGN?!'
"We haven't seen or heard from her since."
Sister Alice said that eventually the two fighting discerners calmed down and apologized for fighting. They even cleaned up the broken bottles.
"Discerners believe that if you're discerning Religious Life God will lead you on a straight path to the convent- but that's not what it's about- it's about being open to the adventure. Take the baby fiasco-  sometimes God wants you to see your caretaker side. Sometimes God wants to show you what you're missing. But most of the time, a baby at an event is a baby at an event and nothing more. It's all about how you feel and you need to be calm and silent to hear that still, small voice."
After a long pause Sister Alice starts up again:
"Of course, discerners do that wrong too. They go to think about how to they feel yet they don't also pray about it. They gotta let God in! They also have to have a good spiritual advisor that will be help discerns God's call."
At that, Sister Alice pulled the picture of Jesus out of her desk and said, "May God bless the Vocation Director."

Canned Vegetables

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

In the weeks after my mother's death, the massive amount of food delivered to my dad and I was dwindling. I took it upon myself to do the cooking- something I had little knowledge of doing. Every night was battle as I tried to keep the panic of not knowing what I was doing down so dad didn't worry about me. It was also during that time I realized how much I needed my mom. The saddest nearly made me give up entirely.
I couldn't go on like that.
Another activity I took upon myself was cleaning out the kitchen of anything we didn't need- including food.
I started with the top shelf of the pantry where the canned vegetables were. I had never prepared veggies out of can- mom did that- mom did everything that pertained to the kitchen. So naturally I was curious as to how to cook them.
I looked to the directions and there it was- microwave in a bowl for two to three minutes.

MICROWAVE.

IN A BOWL.

FOR TWO TO THREE MINUTES.


There is truly hope in the Jolly Green Giant.

Yes, as I held the can in my hand I felt the overwhelming feeling of...hope. We might just survive this. Hell, someday we might even thrive. Almost every night we had these miracles in a can. Whether it was corn or green beans, it didn't matter, our stomach and peace of mind were filled.
Hope is essential in this life. Even if you have lost faith and love, hope is still there saying there will be better day. Sometimes hope doesn't come in a huge miraculous moment; sometimes hope comes in the ordinary, when you need it the most, when you're so far down in a dark hole looking for any small light. Hope can be found in the smallest most unlikeliness places- you just have to look.

God is a Jerk

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I couldn't pray. It was like a wall was built between God and I. Although I'm sure I built that wall I was just too weak to break it down. So I asked others to pray for my mom while she was in the hospital.
However, on a Saturday night the walls came tumbling down.
I had kept my sanity and anger in check up until that fateful night when I shared the waiting room with an older lady. Earlier that night I offered everyone a plate of cookies my cousins made- everyone turned me down...except the old lady who took the entire plate for herself. An hour later she would return the plate with half the cookies gone, then she would take the plate again and eat the rest.
It wasn't a big deal. I offered them to everyone and she was free to take them...I guess...
Unfortunately she wasn't finished with me yet. There was a Mizzou home football game on which was right across the street from the hospital. It was a very good game so I wanted to watch it.

She changed the channel.

Luckily I could get the game updates on my phone but I was starting to lose it.

After a few minutes of quiet she walked across the waiting room towards the ICU. I thought she was going back to see her loved one. She then made a turn towards me and picked up my Runner's World magazine sitting besides me.
"Are you reading this?" She asked.
"No, but that's mine." I said.
"Are you reading this?"
"No, but..."

She took my magazine.

I lost it.

"God, you're such a jerk!!" I said to God in my head. (Okay, I used a much stronger word but you get my point.)
I stormed out of the room half crying while cursing God...you know, for being a jerk.
I finally found the chapel and I really let God have it.
This whole situation was unfair. I wanted my mom is get better but she wasn't. I wanted to be out of this damn hospital. I wanted to have a quiet night watching a football game but I couldn't even have that.
After I was worn out from kicking and screaming I realized the wall I built was down. (No actual walls were harmed) God never left my side. He even let me call him every name in the book. That night I let God in to see the pain and stress that the week has caused.

The next morning at 6:30am I was told my mom had a massive stroke and wouldn't survive.

The pain was unreal. It was as if someone punched me in the stomach while lighting my heart on fire. I literally couldn't stand up straight but amazingly I could stand...and talk. Barely.
God was literally holding me up and making me talk.

Over the past four months I have yelled at God many, many times. And God has patiently listened all the while holding up so I could yell at him more.
I've tried to push God away, to build that wall back up but have found the only comfort I find is in being with God.

The Waiting Room Universe

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Every Wednesday I will post reflections about the worse and most transformative time of my life. These reflections are about my mothers death and the aftermath of going through that huge shock.
These aren't meant to depress you or for you to feel sorry for me- just some thoughts I happen to write down.
(I wrote most of this while riding back from the hospital one night so it's pretty raw.)


Did you see that?!
Amazing!! (high fives all around)

Did you seriously see her eye flutter??

It's the little things in life that matter now.

Watching a loved ones eyes flutter for the first time after surgery can be as exhilarating as your favorite team winning the super bowl.
And watching their vital signs on the monitor can be just as suspenseful as watching an action movie. Probably more so.
Your world revolves around them and that world is in the solar system known as Waiting Room Universe.
It's like a psychological experiment- for some their trip in this solar system will end in a day for others it will go on for weeks maybe months.
People from every socioeconomic class, religion, political party are in one room and experiencing the most stressful situation of their lives.
They're rooting for each other.
Ironically out of that stress bring forth compassion for their fellow waiting roommates.
In this solar system there are no political party lines dividing these groups of strangers. They're in this room together just trying to get enough sleep so they be ready for whatever the doctors throw at them. Or at least try to be ready.
They'll give up the most comfortable chair to a stranger needing sleep because their loved one was in surgery through the night.
These are the type of people who when you ask how they are they tell how their loved one is doing.
They only have one focus- their ailing loved one. Their mood really is dictated by how their loved one is doing.
In the end we never got to fill out any discharge papers but I will always remember the week when time stood still and my sanity rested on how well mom was doing.

A Special All Souls Day

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I sometimes find being catholic hard, if not impossible. We're not the most respected folks out there and the church's teaching drive me nuts at times.
However, instead of running for door I stay. Yes I not only stay, I thank God for calling me to be Catholic.
Today, I am thankful for the awesomeness of the communion of Saints like never before. I'm extra thankful this year because I have a special "Saint" in heaven watching over me- my mom.
She went home to God a month and a half ago and has not stopped sending me signs that she's watching over me.
It's been very difficult without her- at times nearly impossible- but thanks to the Communion of Saints I know she's watching over my family and I.
I realize my mom is not an official "saint" but I think we can all agree that moms have a special place in God's kin-dom.
So this All Souls' Day I remember the happier times I had with mom and thank God for giving us a gift of the Communion of Saints.

Awkward Catholic is on haitus

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

So it's been awhile since my last post. The good news is, is that I want to write about it, the bad news is, is that I don't have time to write about it.
However, posts are being written (sloooowly) and rewritten (even more slowly) and will be posted as soon as they are done.
Know that each one of you are in my prayers.