The Awkward Catholic

What happens before speaking with the Vocation Director

2012-02-20T19:52:00.000-08:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

2:45pm receives a text message from vocation director thanking me for sending an email loaded with questions. Also asks when we can chat about said questions.
2:47pm sends text message back saying I'm free after 1pm everyday. (Thinking she'll suggest a time a couple of days from now.)
2:50pm Vocation Director texts back saying that's great and asks if 3:15 today will work.

The room becomes a 1000 degrees. My stomach fills with butterflies with razor blades.

2:51pm I say "sounds great."
2:52pm I frantically search email trying to remember what I even asked. I discovered I didn't ask any questions per say- just saying I wanted to discuss some things.

The butterflies in my stomach switch to guns.

2:55pm I realize that I've known this vocation director for three years so there is nothing to be afraid of.
2:58pm I fight the urge to grab a beer.
3:00pm to 3:10pm I clean an already clean house.
3:11pm I start to wonder if I am suppose to call her or she calls me...she didn't say.

What if I call her and she's not ready? What if I call the wrong number? Does she want me to call her cell phone or office phone?
Ok...I'll just wait until she calls me.
But wait...what if she's waiting for me to call? If I don't call she'll probably think I forgot or that I don't take the intative.
3:15pm comes and goes...
The butterflies switch to flame throwers. I may never eat again.
3:19pm She calls me from a number I don't recognize. All the nerves go away I remember all of my questions and we easily talk for an hour...like always.

4:25pm I grab a bud light.

I don't want this to discourage anyone from talking with a vocation director. In retrospect, it's more a terrified joy that I feel. I'm excited when I know that I'll be talking with the vocation director but I'm also a little scared. I'm scared that I'll say something wrong or won't get my point across.
But in the end, I know that I'm in good hands when speaking with this vocation director. I can trust that she has mine and the communities best interests at heart. She won't make me do something that she feels I'm not ready for. However, she'll also challenge me to my full potential.

So in other words, she's kinda like Allstate Insurance.

The Darn Wells post #1

2012-02-10T09:01:00.000-08:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I like reading other people's blog. I'm sure you do too. So I'm going to oppose on you my favorite blogs and I hope you like them as much as I do.
I'm going to call these the "Darn Wells" because I'm going to post them when I darn well feel like it.
I also like these blogs so darn much that I just have to write about them.
So the first "Darn Well" post goes too...Marsha's Musings! Yay!

If you've never heard of Marsha or her musings, let me tell you why I love this blog so darn much. For the next few months Marsha will be embarking on an adventure! Yay! This adventure has already taken Marsha from her home in Washington State to California and now to Chicago....but wait! She's only beginning! Next she's going to Monroe, Michigan to stay and pray with my nuns! Whoo hoo! I'll be joining Marsha in a few weeks in Michigan to also stay and pray...but only for a week. But Marsha won't be done yet! After Michigan she's going to stay with some more nuns (not my nuns but cool none the less) in Minnesota to stay and pray for another month.

Did I mention that Marsha is 74 years young?

Yeah you don't want to miss this.

UPDATE: Well, this is awkward. I got some things wrong. Here's what Marsha commented:
my emphasis in bold, comments in blue. (I've always wanted to do this- not get things wrong but to bold things and comment on them)

Wow, Audra - you're running ahead of me. So now I am in Monroe. I am presently sitting in the Motherhouse foyer waiting for SJ to come downstairs. She's driving me over to Norman Towers was a boys military academy, now a retirement facility. It also has a couple of guest rooms. It's goreous there. One of my favorite places to stay- where she will help me move a chair and a lamp upstairs for my little 1 month apartment.

This morning I met with Sister Julie founder of A Nun's Life ministry and Sister Margaret Brennan- General Superior of the IHM's during Vatican II- Legendary nun who helped formed what Religious Life is in the US today- for an hour before mass - just to talk about what I might be doing during this coming month - and to mull over whatever it was to bring me here.

Then mass - and brunch with the IHMs - then Julie will leave and I'll be really "on my own." (Except for Sr. Rosie who is my special companion over at Norman Towers - and Sr. Mary Bea IHM vocation director who I'll be meeting with next.

It is an adventure. And you are right - the adventure will include a stopover (for just four days, not a month) at Visitation Monastery in N. Minneapolis. But I may be going there to stay for a few months if my application is accepted.)

I'm look forward to seeing you and our NL friends here in a couple of weeks. And I do think IHM is going to play a significant role in my life from now on. They seem to have that affect of people.

Thanks for the Update Marsha! Look forward to hearing more!

Mass Pet Peeves

2012-02-07T08:33:00.000-08:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Today I am going to show you all that I am a terrible person by sharing with you some of my pet peeves during Mass. If you find that you may share one of my pet peeves or have others to share please feel free to comment below!

The Song leader who thinks she's auditioning for American Idol
So we're singing along trying to give glory to God then all of a sudden the song leader belts out these notes that makes me wonder if we're still singing the same song. The entire congregation gives the song leader a look that says "What the heck?! Stop that! I can't follow along" but of course the song leader sees "We love it! The notes you're making up is much better than what is actually written so we're just going to stay silent."
Just stick with the notes that are written so everyone can sing along.
People who talk before and during Mass
This is a sure fire way to make me angry. It never fails. Of course I don't mind if you say hi to your friend- everyone does it- it's the polite thing to do. But this isn't a town hall meeting- wait until after Mass to talk with your friend.

The person who sits at the end of the pew
We covered this before. If you really need to sit at the end then get up so I won't have to climb over you. It creates an awkward moment that I have already written about. I can't keep doing this.

The person who sits directly behind me
It's all about timing on this one. Of course after I get done kneeling before Mass and go to sit back in the pew someone has to come in and kneels directly behind me. So now I'm focusing on whether or not my hair is clean enough and smells nice because they're getting a birds eye view. Regardless of whether it's clean or not I'm paranoid that it's not so I lean over which isn't very lady-like. I would move over but I just warmed up my spot on the pew and don't want go through the warming up process again. Knowing my luck I'm now smelling their favorite perfume or cologne...which brings me to my next pet peeve...

The person who wears too much perfume
This person must believe the perfume they are wearing will bring people closer to God so they dunk themselves in it like they're getting baptize again. Unfortunately so does a hundred other people each of whom have a different scent. Because we all know there are many different ways/scents to God.
I would assume common sense would tell them that there are other people in the church who probably wouldn't appreciate to ~~smell~~ inhale their choice of perfume. But sometimes I give people too much credit.

The person who is a bad kneeler partner
This is a person with whom you share a kneeler with. Most kneelers are heavy and long- especially in older Churches- and they require two people to raise and lower them. You use two people to lessen the pressure of the -often times- little bolts that attach the kneelers to the pews. This was hammered into my head in Catholic grade school. Anyway, this person doesn't care about you or the little bolts. They either don't help raise or lower the kneelers. They put both feet on the kneeler while it's lowered giving me -the 5'11" giant- very little leg room. They don't pay attention when you go to lower the kneeler so you end up hitting them- they then give you a dirty look. They kneel too quickly forcing you to go with the kneeler and hit your head on the pew. The list goes on and on. All it takes to be a good kneeler partner is the slightest bit of communication and team work. Is that too hard to ask?

Sometimes I give all these people above a dirty look then my Catholic guilt kicks in and I spend the entire Mass trying to be overly nice to them to prove that I really am a good christian.

All and all the Catholic Church is a family. And as family members we sometimes annoy each other. Some of us can't agree on who should be priests, who should get married and so on. I try to remember that we each have a common bond in that we all believe in the saving power of the Eucharist. But I still end up giving people a dirty look.

Awkward Catholic Moment #7: Calling a Nun by her first name

2012-01-23T09:08:00.000-08:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I remember the exact moment it happened. I was helping my good nun friend put together a small storage unit we had just purchased at Ikea. We were having a good time, laughing and talking- when everything changed. She had asked for a screw driver but I had given her the wrong one. Instinctively I said "sorry sister" and handed her the right one. She rolled her eyes and said "you know, you don't have to call me sister".
I was speechless.
To make matters worse, the other sister came into the room and agreed with her. I took a deep breath and said "ok, Julie". And that's when my Irish Great-Great Grandmother hit me over the head with a 2x4- metaphorically speaking.
I have been around nuns and priests my entire life and this was the first I have ever called a nun by her first name. It was something I never thought about doing. Somewhere in Catholic grade school when I was young it must have been hammered into my skull that you shouldn't call a nun, priest or brother by their first name only. It was rude and sinful.
It's been almost a year and a half since that fateful day and I still have trouble not putting sister in front of their names. (Though pictured my great great grandma with a 2x4 over my head probably doesn't help) These are the only two nuns that have given me permission. I know the other nuns in their congregation wouldn't mind- it's why I love them- but I have a strict rule not to do so until I have their permission.
Of course, like everything concerning religious life I have thought long and hard about this. I have asked myself why it's so hard for me to forgo sister when talking with them. I tried to put myself in their shoes- would I mind if someone didn't call me sister?
Honestly I don't think I would mind. A friend once said she would feel weird if she ever called me sister. I told she didn't have to- the reason I was becoming a nun was to help people- not because of the title.
This gets me thinking- for her to call me sister would create a tiny barrier between us. I don't want that. The reason I want to be a nun is so I can live for and with the oppressed. In order to do that all barriers must go. My main goal is to serve people and bring them to God- if I get the job done without them knowing I'm a nun- then either way I got the job done.* The reason I was able to get the job done was because I would have been trained- in the novitiate-or nun school- on how to bring people closer to God.
The reason I joined the novitiate will be because God called me. And how I know God is calling me to join the novitiate is because it would bring me peace and joy that will continue for as long as I'm doing God's will. And because of that peace and joy I'll be able to bring people closer to God.**
(In the novitiate I would also learn how to have a good solid prayer life which would help me bring people closer to God)***

Well, this post went a little deeper than expected.****

*Most likely people will know I'm a nun given the possible ministry I would work for. It would be rare circumstance that they won't know. In some cases it would help people to know I was a nun. I'm just saying I'm willing to identify myself as whatever they need me to be-as long as it's authentically me present-to help them.
**I over-simplified the meaning of the novitiate and "nun training" in general. I also over-simplified how God calls us and what it feels like-but I think you get the general idea. And I over-simplified the goal of nuns- getting people closer to God-though this is a HUGE goal. There are other much smaller goals. Getting people closer to God is every ones goal.
***I hope you read these footnotes, otherwise you might think I have no clue about nuns or about how God calls us. I really do know what I'm talking about.
****I love footnote.

It's Tebow Time at Awkward Catholic

2011-12-20T11:35:00.000-08:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I'm going to try something new and comment on an actual current news story NOW instead of ~~procrastinating~~ waiting until everything has blown over.

Today Yahoo News came out with a story about how Pat Robertson is offended over the SNL Skit about Tim Tebow.
First Yahoo got the headline wrong. Pat Robertson does NOT represent the Christian voice. I'm a Christian and I wasn't offended by the skit- I think it makes a great point about faith.
Here's the skit in it's entirety:

Now what probably got Pat mad was the portrayal of Jesus. (I'm not even going to touch his ignorant comment about Muslims) Here, SNL-Jesus has a good sense of humor and kinda makes fun of himself. In reading the Gospels I think Jesus had a great sense of humor- Just read Fr.James Martin's new book "Between Heaven and Mirth: Why Joy, Humor and Laughter is at the Heart of the Spiritual Life".
SNL-Jesus makes a great point in that only certain types of celebrities thank him publicly. Maybe that's why he "decides" those contests because they actually let him in and talk publicly about him.

I realize another point of this skit was to make Tebow look stupid and foolish over meeting Jesus. The other guys kept their cool when Jesus walked in but not Tebow. He loses his stuff and acts like an idiot.

I want to act just like Tebow when I meet Jesus. I loved how Tebow was in Jesus' face and didn't leave "room for the Holy Spirit". I loved the stupid look on Tebow's face. I want to lose my cool and freak out and act like an idiot. I think it'll show that Jesus was pretty much the whole point of me breathing and being nice to people. Like, SNL-Jesus to Tebow I think he'll have to calm me down so I'll actually listen to him. So there's another good point the skit has- we have calm down and LISTEN to Jesus.

In types of skits like these it's interesting to see how the writer views religion and the role of Jesus in our lives. We can pick apart this skit and ask questions like What role does God play in sports? Is Tebow really all that good or is God making the plays? Where is free will in all of this? Does God really care about the score?

I think Tebow has a great view on sports and God. He goes out there every Sunday and tries his best so he can glorify God. God gave him the ability to run and the determination to learn how to throw the football. (Because that boy can't throw a football worth a damn- but he can certainly run)

When we use the talents God gave us- God wins. And sometimes by doing this we lose the game. It's all a mystery as to why this happens but we can always say we tried our best. And in some way that's a win for us as well.

This skit has a lot of spiritual "goodies" that can teach us valueable lessons. Yes, sometimes it takes unreligious secular means to learn something about God.

The Circle of Life

2011-11-22T21:07:00.000-08:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

This past weekend was one of the busiest I've had in a long time but it's also one of my favorite weekends.
On Friday night I was scheduled to do two hours of Adoration for a Koinonia retreat held at my alma mater. I've been apart of this retreat in a big way for most of my college life. In fact, the only time I wasn't on the leadership team was when I was a candidate my freshman year. So handing over the reins was no easy task. What made it even harder was that this was the smallest team we've ever had and the largest candidate pool. I volunteered myself to one of the directors many times but she said she didn't want to take me away from my other engagement for the weekend. So I settled for a two hour adoration slot. (A HUGE part of this retreat is that we have perpetual adoration)
I felt restless for the first few minutes of adoration as I saw my director friend rushing around all stressed out. I soon turned my focus to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. A rush of peace came over me and I didn't want to leave. I realized that the torch had been passed and that my only job now was to pray. How lucky was I?!
I also realized that a huge part of discernment was to pray- again I'm a lucky girl!
After an hour of prayer the chapel got busier as we had to pray "in" the team members giving talks and pray "out" the ones that were finished with their talks.
When my two hour slot came to a close I said good-bye to everyone and drove 40 minutes back to my parents house. When I got there I quickly ate dinner and went to bed because I had to be up at 4am for next favorite event...Deer Hunt for the Disabled.
I've Been volunteering for DHD for seven years and always come back grateful that I have two legs to walk on. This hunt is for disabled hunters that aren't physically able to hunt without a lot of assistance. Plus, it helps control the deer population. I have to be at the "base camp' in the middle of nowhere Missouri at 5am so I can meet up with my team, load up all of our hunters and get them out before sunrise. (It always amazes me that all of us can get out all 35 hunters- many who can't walk- out in their deer stands in less than an hour.)
Everyone is split up in teams of five or six adults and a couple of kids- with each team we usually have four or five hunters that we assist. I've always been with the same team so it's always like a family reunion each year. After we get all of our hunters out we sit and wait...and wait...and wait. While waiting we sit and catch up on hunting stories and everything that has happened during the year.
This year it wasn't until almost sunset that we got the call that a hunter killed two deer. Usually a tracking team will find the deer for us but they were busy- it was up to us to find both deer at night and get the hunter out of his stand. I love to track deer- my team calls me "high tracker" because one year I found four deer without the tracking team. But this year we had three young boys with us tracking so being the only female my motherly instincts kicked in.

Instead of tracking the deer I was tracking the boys tracking the deer.

I saw it as a prefect opportunity to teach them how it was done. As we got out in the field and followed the trail the boys got more and more anxious. We finally found the deer and the boys got so excited! It was bitter sweet because to think that I couldn't say I found the deer by myself but it was great to pass along the skill. It's the one reason we have young kids follow us around- so we can pass passion of DHD to future generations.
So. In less than 24 hours I passed on two torches that were a huge part of my life. One taught me how to lead and one taught me to have appreciation for nature and two working legs.

However, another chapter in my life is just starting to write itself. It's exciting and scary yet it's like I knew this would happen all along. Stay tuned.

Meeting new nuns is just as awkward as a junior high dance.

2011-11-14T22:48:00.000-08:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

A couple of weeks ago I attended a solemn profession of one of the Friars at my Alma Mater.
For over a year prior to that, he would mention to me that there would be nuns at the profession- according to him it would be nun fest 2011.

This got me excited.

On the day of the profession I entered the chapel and ramped up my nunar but I detected nothing but Friars. My friend and I sat down and I continued to look. I figured there wouldn't be any habited sisters- that would be too easy.
The Mass started and it was a beautiful ceremony. I don't know who cried more Br. Jesus or his parents.
After the ceremony my friend and I went to the Friary for the reception. She had a party to go to soon so I would on my own- I wouldn't have much time to socialize with the Friars or find the nuns.
My introvertness/ awkwardness immediately came out so couldn't bring myself to talk with any of the Friars. Not wanting to give up just yet I decided to follow my friends and get some of the fine mexician food offered. I knew I would warm up if I stayed around people I knew first then venture out.
After catching up with the other college students/ alumni about every obnoxious detail of their life, my friend said she couldn't stay any longer. Sensing defeat I said I would walk with her to her dorm. As we were leaving we stopped to say good-bye to one of our favorite friars.
I told him that I was dissappointed that nunfest 2011 didn't happen. He said "Of course they're here...one of them did the reading!" I said there's no way! Neither reader set off my nunar!
He then wisked me across the reception area and introduced me to Sr.Chris, a 30 year old temporary professed sister.
I made a mental note that I would have to work on my young nunar. But to my defense here was the set-up:

This could easily be confused with the set-up of my senior prom:

Unlike my prom date she was extremely nice and every bit of a nun. She kept asking everyone if they had enough to eat and drink- then shoved cookies at them regardless of their answer. She took great care of the older nun who came with her who hardly knew a soul there.
My friend looked at me and said "well I guess you're in your element now. I'm leaving." And she was right-these were my people.
We exchanged vocation stories and reasons why we love religious life. It was a conversation that I never get tired of having. Later that night I caught up with the older nun and with my favorite friar they exchanged stories of their younger days as Religious. The stories ranged from the touching to the hilarious.
But there was also some awkwardness...both nuns were from an order that I was unfamilar with. Totally new terrritory to interact with "New nuns". I'm used to hanging out with only my nuns. I know everything about my nuns-I'm confortable with my nuns- hince why I call them MY nuns. I noticed right away that once I started talking about my nuns I couldn't stop. Luckily I caught myself and was able to revert questions back to them.
All-in-all it was a great night full of laughter dancing and story-telling. And even though there were only two nuns there- to me it was still nunfest 2011.

White Girl Problems

2011-10-10T08:34:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Last Friday, I came upon a site called whitewhine.com. It takes tweets and facebook posts of people complaining about the most ridiculous things. While I laughed at a few of the posts- I was horrified at some of the "complaints". People were truly upset about the new iPhone, road construction at early hours and interactions with non-English speakers.
Even though I left the website with a sick stomach- it did make me think. I asked myself what do I complain about? Is it a white girl problem or a real problem?
Of course, whatever the problem God will always listen to me. God will never say "Oh girl please! That's a white girl problem- you're on your own!"
Although I've never been one to complain to others. Over the weekend I medidated on what problems irritate me. I asked myself, "Should I be upset about this? Will getting upset solve anything? Again is this a while girl problem?" The answers was usually "no" "no" and "yes". This helped me relax and have a smile on my face.
I also maveled at how well God truly knows me. (S)he used a little humor and alittle "shock therapy" to help me mediate on what really matters.

God is awesome.

A time out for God

2011-10-05T15:28:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Every once and a while I will get a tugging in my heart from God. This tugging I've learn is God's way of saying to me "Audra, I need you to listen to me. I need all of you." These tugging moments usually don't come at the best of times. For example, eating dinner with a group of friends in the caf, in the middle of running errands and so on. But I try the best that I can to drop everything and be with God. It's usually not for a long time but just enough time to refocus myself on what truly matters- serving God with my whole heart. I love these quiet and peaceful moments and my heart always leaves full- it's like a spiritual all-you-can-eat buffet. Here's one of the songs I listen to get me in the prayerful mood:

A little update of why I've completely neglected this blog.

Life has been a bit crazy for the past three weeks. On September 19th I started working for a Salvation Army Kroc Center in town. I can honestly say that it's one of the best jobs I've ever had- if not the greatest. My co-workers are great people (for the most part) we work so well together and never leave each other stranded when a difficult customer comes through the line. Plus, the Kroc Center is so new and different that people are always blown away at what we have to offer the community. It's easy to feel proud working there.
Another great thing about the Kroc Center is the diversity of people we get- one minute I'm helping a former politician with his membership then the next assisting a homeless person find shelter for the night. Each person has a different need and it's my job to assist them in whichever way I can.
So now that things have settled down -I'm no longer working 45 plus hours between two job- as I was for the past two weeks. I can now focus more attention to this blog! Whoo!

God's dog

2011-09-10T08:45:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Sixteen years ago I remember wondering why my mother had disappeared. We just got home from my sisters basketball game and I assumed she would be home waiting for us- she wasn't.

Finally I heard the door open and to my relief mom came into the kitcten. I went to hug her but noticed she had a towel over her sholder- she turned her back to me and underneath that towel I saw a little wet nose...

"A PUPPY!!!" I exclaimed. ( Like any six year old this was a dream come true)

Mom removed the towel so I could see my new ~~pet~~ ~~best friend~~ sister. She was this little black and white ball of fur with ears that nearly touched the ground. Mom put her on the floor and we ran towards each other- it was a match made in heaven.

We would call her Muffy- a combination of mom's two childhood dogs Mufin and Tuffy.
Over the years Muffy was there for many pivital times in my life.
Whenever I had a boy over Muffy would sit in between us to make sure we didn't get too close. This might have been a sign she wanted me to be a nun. (Ironically, I was petting her as I told my mom what I wanted to do- Muffy never left my side)

She greeted me the night of my first kiss and was there when the boy broke my heart nine months later. Unfortunately she never once bit him.
Through all the proms graduations funerals and holidays, Muffy was there barking at whoever had the audicity to come to our house- once she checked them out she would completely ignore them unless they had food.

Muffy wasn't supposed to be. Her mother got loose one night and well, you know...She was a free mute- the last one of the litter. But she gave us sixteen wonderful years of laughter, company and joy.

She came into my life when I was just in kindergarden and left a few monthes after I graduated from college. I figure that she thought she taught me everything I needed to learn from her- that her job was done. She tried so hard to act like the puppy she once was but her body just wouldn't let her. Her old weary body needed a rest.

I'm not as sad as I thought I would be- instead I'm grateful of the gift that God had given to my family.

But given all of this: I simply miss my dog.

Who we are...

2011-08-31T11:43:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Thanks to Fr. Darren for posting this video on his blog. Props to DefendUsInBattleBlog for making the video!

Good News on the Priest Front!

2011-08-29T11:55:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

My good friend Adam over at Muddling through my Catholic life has gone to the seminary! Adam and I graduated from Quincy University together and have contemplated Catholicism over many a beer for the past two years with many great friends. I know that Adam will make a great priest- even though he will not take any of my "suggestions" for when he becomes Pope:

Like institute a World Youth Day bar crawl.
Put a bar in every church.
Wear dreadlocks with his pope hat.
Integrate Bob Marley songs in the Liturgy.

Did I mention that Adam and I drank many a beer together?

In all seriousness, I ask that you all pray for Adam and his fellow seminarians as they continue to discern where God is calling them. And while you're at it- give some love to the lay seminarians as well!

St. John Vianney- Patron Saint of Diocesan Priests- Pray for us!

Awkward Catholic Moment #6...

2011-08-24T13:27:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

75% of American Catholics are not aware of the new changes to the Mass.

This might be the most Awkward moment yet. Fr.Jim gives a couple of great resources at the end of his blog so you can read up on the changes.

Anyway, sorry for the blog silence. I am still battling jet lag from my trip to World Youth Day. Plus I'm trying to secure a job with the Salvation Army Kroc Center. I had the final interview Monday and was asked today to schedule a time to fill out the paper work. A very good sign! Hopefully, I'll have all of this finalized by Friday!

Awkward Catholic is going to World Youth Day

2011-08-10T14:19:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

These nuns will let anyone go on a trip with them.

I'm going to Spain tomorrow which means I have no idea if I'll be able to blog until I get back next Friday. (Probably will try to)

But I promise a lot of pictures and videos and stories when I return to Illinois.

Meanwhile you can follow the Awkwardness here. I'll just be in the back ground mostly acting like I know something.

Peace and all good!

Nunabe Diaries: Coming out of the perverbial nun closet and asking "Now what"?

2011-08-08T18:49:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Yesterday (Sunday) I told my mom I wanted to be a nun. It was a conversation I wanted to have for three years. Even though I didn't know we would have that conversation at that moment, I kept calm (something I was afraid I wouldn't do). I knew she would drag me through the mud, say hurtful things and I was right. She did say some hurtful things. But I was prepared for that moment.

What I wasn't prepared for was the aftermath.

Neither of my parents are going to disown me. But they completely disapprove of my vocation. Even though it was a difficult conversation I felt relief that I didn't have to hide my vocation. (Gone are the days I hide vocation magazines under my bed- actually that was gone when I completely moved out of the house this May)

I can't help but remember of all of those nights I laid awake at night planning on what I was going to say. And I can now say that this is probably the one time planning during discerning is a good thing.

But one thing I didn't plan was again, the aftermath. I'm not prepared to answer the basic "nun" questions that I've been asked for years. It feel so much more real telling my parents about my beloved community of choice. It's plain scary.

Though sometimes we need a shot of whiskey to wake us up. Or a knock on the head, whichever metaphor you like...

While I'm still very much hurt by what was said (I'm sure they are hurt too) I realized that my vocation is very much "Tonka tough". After the conversation I was questioning whether all this hurt was worth the pain and then I let that question sit for a bit (something I learned while discerning). Then sure enough, the fire came back. The nun thing was still a good idea.

Walking on Water

2011-07-25T20:36:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I'm going to safely assume that it's hot where ever you are. So to help cool things down I though I would post a Gospel mediation that I wrote when I was a sophomore in College. For your listening pleasure I provided a video of ocean sounds to make it more realistic. (just a little warning, it may play a commerical in the beginning) So turn up the volume and take some time out to chill with Jesus.

Image you are Peter the apostle, you have been fishing all day. You are tired. So you take a break and enjoy the scene around you. It’s a beautiful day. The water is a prefect blue. So calm. You look around at this magnificent scene.

Then your eyes rest upon Jesus. He is out in the middle of the sea. Just standing there. He tells you to come to Him. You step out of the boat and began to walk on water.

But this time you do not lose faith.

The water feels so cool against your tired feet. It soothes all the soars which have accumulated that day. Your eyes are totally on Jesus And for the first time in your life you know exactly what Jesus wants from you; He wants you to walk on water to Him. To be with Him. To do something miraculous yet so simple. Just walk to him on water.

You are at peace, the breeze cools you down. The water so soothing. Yes you change this story, you don’t lose faith instead you walk to Jesus. He greets you with a hug. And says “look my child look around you.” You began to notice all the birds in the air and fish in the sea. Everything becomes so clear. You are not confused anymore. You have found your place. Right by Jesus Christ, your savior. Now take a moment of silence to image this very scene describe to you. Image what you would do, or say. After taking this all in, Jesus leads you back to the boat. Then back to shore.

So if you feel like you're drowning, losing faith just remember to W .O. W. Walk On Water. Like that little three letter. It maybe simple but it says A LOT. Just like following Jesus can be. He makes the most miraculous yet difficult task seem so simple. So I’ll leave you with this quote by St. Katharine Drexel. “God wants saints. That is why we are here. It is great thing to realize that in order to be saints we have only to be what God made us to be."

Catholic Life and Thought: Dancing

2011-07-20T06:11:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Last weekend a friend invited me to an event he helped organize called "Praise Jam". It's where local Christian artists sang and danced to Christian music. I was asked to sit at a booth and give out information for a high school retreat I used to be involved in.
When I arrived about half way through, the "praising" was going strong.
The other churches had a huge turn out- the Catholics...not so much.

(Though in their defense there was a huge benefit auction at the Knights of Columbus Hall at the same time- with alcohol and air conditioning.)
Many people were standing in the hot sun raising their hands, eyes closed...in praise. I was truly amazed.
I was so amazed I just sat there feeling bad that I didn't have the nerve to get out there and do the same thing. It was like something glued me to my chair. It reminded me of what a very wise priest once told us about Catholics...

We are the frozen chosen.

As I sat there I reflected on why this was. I mean, I have been to many praise and worship services and have danced right along. Every time "Waves of Mercy" or "Days of Elijah" or "Trading my Sorrows" started to play I was the first one doing the dance moves...

Then it hit me...

Those dances were choreographed.

Of course I wasn't out there dancing with everyone at the "Praise Jam". Their songs didn't have dance moves! They free styled.

...Something this Catholic doesn't do unless she has alcohol in her. (And even with alcohol all I can do is clap and move my hips slightly...sometimes even to the beat!)

We Catholics need choreography! We need our dance movements to mean something. Just look at the Mass...there are concrete reasons why we sit, stand, make the sign of the cross, shake hands and kneel.

Of course, some of our "moves" are being changed this Advent. And you better believe this Awkward Catholic is geeked about the almost certain awkwardness.

Awkward Catholic Moment #5: Losing Jesus

2011-07-19T06:05:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I lost Jesus once. Literally I lost Jesus, not in some spiritual sense, like physically lost Jesus.

I was the sacristan for a college retreat so I was in charge of arranging the Adoration Chapel- the place where Jesus was supposed to hang out during the retreat.
On the morning of the retreat I had successfully decorated the chapel. It was beautiful. But something was missing. I couldn't figure it out.
Fortunately the retreat leader's husband (and former seminarian) asked where the Blessed Sacrament was.

My heart sank.

The one thing I was in charge of...the most important part of the retreat...I didn't have a clue where the Blessed Sacrament was.
You see we had a Mass the night before the retreat so that we could pray together and for the priest to consecrate the Host for Adoration.

But where in the world did he put the Blessed Sacrament? I saw him consecrate the bread, I knew what it looked like but where was Jesus? I completely spaced out after Mass. Didn't even get a chance to talk with the priest.
The retreat couldn't start. Not without Jesus.

So I got into my car and went directly to the priest's office. And there he was, sitting in a chair without a care in the world joking with the secretary.
When I ran into the room he just looked up and calmly asked "what's wrong?"
"I lost Jesus!" I exclaimed.
"Umm what?" He asked.
"I can't find the Blessed Sacrament that we use for Adoration!" I said.
"Oh. I'm sorry. I put it in the retreat center's sacristy. Here's the key. I'll be there in a few." He said.
I left and sped back to the retreat center, unlocked the sacristy and finally was able to put the Blessed Sacrament in the monstrance.

The retreat started and was the best retreat I had ever been on.
I guess the moral of the story is: don't freak out when you lose Jesus. He's a lot closer than you think. You just have to ask where He is sometimes.

The End.

Awkward Catholic Moment #4: Forgetting the Mass parts when you have help out with Mass.

2011-07-18T07:41:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

A couple of months ago while I was walking into church someone asked me collect money and to bring up the gifts during Mass. Simple enough so I said yes.
As I was walking away I realized I hadn't done this in a long time. I then started wrecking my brain trying to remember when I was suppose to do all of this.
I've been Catholic all of my life yet I couldn't remember when when to do my job.
This happens everytime I have to do something for Mass.

Good thing I'm not a priest.

Of course, when the time came I just knew the right time to go and help collect the money. It was all instinct. This is what I like about the Catholic Mass. It's always, basically, the same.
Another thing I like about the Mass is that even if I did mess up...no one would care if I would have forgotten to take their money. ;) (Though they probably would have been alittle upset if I forgot to take up the gifts...those are kinda important...)
Mistakes happen. It wouldn't have been the end of the world.

Now if the priest messed up...

They will know I'm Catholic by the stupid look on my face- A visit to my younger self.

2011-06-11T10:52:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

(Editors note: I wrote this in April of '08 after visiting my first christian service and decided to post it as a Facebook note. Reading it again made me cringe as I remembered how closed minded I was. I know now that it's all the same God or even if you don't believe in that God- as long as you're a good person- I'm fine. It's not my job to judge or condemn.)

You have probably heard at one point in your life the song "They will know we are Christians by our love." Well today I changed those words. Now the words that are running though my head are "They will know I'm Catholic by the stupid look on my face". Same tune- different message.
The reason for this change begins at around 9:00 A.M. this morning. That was when I walked into the Madison Christian Church for the first time.
OK let me tell how this came to be...A couple of weeks ago I was talking with Peggy, QU's campus minster, as usual our conversations rapidly change for subject to subject. Nothing usually too deep just about past experiences and such. I had mentioned to her that I have never gone to a protestant service before. Peggy, being a protestant herself, invited me to go to her church. I accepted so now here we are, my first protestant service.
Right when we walked into the church, I knew I was no longer in Rome. ( I changed it from Kansas to Rome, Rome- center of Catholic religion?) As soon as we walked in, we were greeted with a hug from a lady and a handshake from a man both of whom I have obviously never met. (Yep definitely not Rome.) The entrance to the church looked like something you find at a hotel. There was a front desk with people with name tags standing behind it. (Later I would find out that that was the welcoming desk for newcomers.) There was even a place where you could get coffee, tea, or water. Yeah no coffee in Rome.
As Peggy and I made our way though the crowd; I saw the stares. They knew. They knew I was Catholic. They could smell it, of course the scared look on my face didn't help either. But they seemed to like Peggy so I stayed close. I continued follow her closely into the main church area. With the absence of crucifixes, wooden pews and kneller's. It looked like any other church I've been to. Except all the music equipment on the alter and the huge scene at the front of the church with a slide show of bible verses on it. We Catholics are known as the "frozen chosen" for a reason.
You know the term "step outside your comfort zone", well I was so far into my zone it would days to find me. Of course Peggy and I had sat about four or fives rows from the front. Yep definitely wasn't coming out of my zone. A couple minutes later the worship band came out. I have to admit they were really good. The singing was amazing. After the first two songs were over, we stood up to greet one another. That was when I decided to venture a little out of my zone. Not all the way but enough. I was beginning to find out that these people were really really nice, and accepting.
After greeting everyone around me, the band started playing "How great is our God", one of my favorite songs. I started to sing along when I stopped myself. "What if God gets mad at me for singing here?" I know it's a crazy thought but I couldn't help but thinking it. But that was when I really looked around the church, I saw people worshiping, I could tell they loved God..a lot. The band was also getting into it. And there was where I had my ephinany: we all love the same God. It's like my mother said; No matter what denomination the story is still the same: Jesus still died and rose from the dead to save us all!*
The rest of the service only confirmed what I had learned. There was a skit about a girl who came out with a red balloon. I didn't get it but it was funny. The message was, I believe, is that we were all taught different beliefs but there is only one truth: that to get to heaven you have to know Jesus first. The pastor later explained that God is not going to ask where you went to church, but if you knew His Son. I had never thought about it in that way, but it made sense to me.
I have always considered myself Catholic- not Christian. They were different, far away from the truth. I would have never considered going to "their" church. But now I'm beginning to think that in order to fully understand Christ we need to step out and learn from each other. An image that popped into my mind while in church this morning was a painting. And that each denomination holds a different color, this painting requires all the different colors to make a single object. Every color, even though it is different is equally important.
I still am Catholic and I will never change, but now I can add being a Christian as well. Maybe next time when I go back "They will know I'm a Christian by my love".**

*Must note that my dad and most sides of my family are not Catholic- yep. I'm a denominational mutt.

**I went back three or four times until Peggy left a year later.

Mortal Catholic Sins they don't teach you in Catholic School: Sitting in my Grandma's seat at Mass.

2011-06-08T21:15:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Dear God not again.

Some unknown family from out of town is sitting in a pew. But not just any pew- no they are sitting on the south side six rows from the alter.

What is this world coming to?

I walk in with my grandma and notice right away- those bastards are sitting in my Grandma's spot. She doesn't say or do anything- it's church- people will stare. She just leads me to the pew behind the sinners...I mean...fellow church goers.
Don't they know the Holy Spirit only resides in that particular pew in that particular spot??

No, they don't, because they are selfish.

I might be over dramatizing but Grandma did complain about the incident for a week, mostly because she didn't know the family- a rarity for a women who has lived in the same area for more than 80 years. And this happens so many times- people get so annoyed when others take their seat at Mass that they don't realize it's not about where you sit- it's who you're there for. (This probably happens in every domination- another reason we are all more alike than different- but that's for another post)

As for what a Mortal Sin actually is- let's take a look at what the Catechism has to say:

1857 For a sin to be mortal, three conditions must together be met: "Mortal Sin whose object is grave in matter and which is also committed with full knowledge and deliberate consent.**

** For more information on the conditions of mortal sin see 1858-1860 of the Catechism of the Catholic Church. Here's the direct link: http://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/__P6C.HTM

This Catholic is learning a huge life lesson.

2011-05-02T14:24:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.A

Last night I settled down for a night of facebook and finishing up a research paper. Right when I logged on to facebook I saw that Osama Bin Laden had been killed. I quickly turned on the TV to CNN so I could confirm it.

And there it was...The world's most wanted man had been killed by US forces.

Time to celebrate.

I grabbed a beer from my fridge just as my neighbor knocked on my door with a alcoholic beverage of her own. She too was shocked and amazed that bin Laden had been killed. We knocked on my other neighbors door- after she heard the news, she quickly grab a margarita from her fridge. We then toasted that he was dead.

I went back to my room to continue watching CNN and the reactions on facebook. Many status's where of jubilation but then it started- the posts from people saying they refused to rejoice over a man's death.

It was the prefect definition of the word: Kill joy.

Then the 2x4 of God smacked me on the head. It was Divine Mercy Sunday. I was at Mass not three hours ago agreeing with the Priest that we all need to have mercy on each other- and ourselves- when we wrong one another. Since then I've been in a constant state of confusion...but also openness to hard questions:

How do I look at him and not feel hatred?

How should I feel towards him?

How should I feel towards my fellow Americans that post disrespectful things?

Should I forgive him?

I'm not going to tell anyone how they should react to all of this because I don't know how to react. All I can do is to pray through this process and hope to come up with some understanding.

I don't want to know it all right away. I want to patiently be in this moment. To learn as much as possible. (hope you do this same)

To start, here's what the Vatican had to say about bin Laden's death:

Osama bin Laden, as we all know, bore the most serious responsibility for spreading divisions and hatred among populations, causing the deaths of innumerable people, and manipulating religions for this purpose.
In the face of a man’s death, a Christian never rejoices, but reflects on the serious responsibilities of each person before God and before men, and hopes and works so that every event may be the occasion for the further growth of peace and not of hatred.

And I'll be working that research paper that's due next Monday...

--AC

A deep Theological Question

2011-04-13T19:55:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I haven't posted since Monday...sorry. But to make up for it I have a deep theological question for you to ponder this weekend:

Usually when something shocking happens to us, we say "Oh my God!"

Do you think that when something shocking happened to Jesus, he said "Oh my Dad!" ?

(Ok so technically Jesus is God but he refered to God as his Father in heaven...so go with it.)

Discuss.

Awkward Catholic Moment #3: Sacrifice

2011-04-11T16:46:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.A

All of my life I have been told that if I were to sacrifice something, say like candy or soda, I would free a soul from purgatory. "They" have also told me that if I endure a difficult task and "offered it up" souls would get freed.***
During this Lenten season, most people give up something, I however, add something- like more prayer or writing in a journal. So I have never given up anything tangible like soda or candy. (This Lent I decided to wake up an hour early to pray. With coffee available this is not difficult.)

Now that I'm of legal drinking age I thought it would be good if I gave up drinking alcohol for a upcoming retreat this weekend. I have to say I love my alcohol, especially speciality beers. I was going to free many a soul from purgatory.

Apparently I don't understand the concept of sacrifice as I have failed miserably. Now don't get me wrong, I haven't gotten completely drunk. It's just that when someone asks me out for drinks I usually go.
This is what goes through my head before going out:
You can't drink, you gave it up.
But they asked me out for drinks. I want to drink.
But you gave it up.
But not drinking is hard.
That's why it's called a "sacrifice".
Go away.
(Goes to bar)

I promise I'm not crazy.

I've just had a thought. Hypothecially speaking say two people are freed from purgatory and go to heaven. Here's a conversation I think they would have:
Todd: Hey, Bob good to see up in heaven!
Bob: Good to see you too, Todd!
Todd: So, Bob how'd you get up here?
Bob: Well Todd, some kid decided not to drink a soda today so here I am!
Todd: That's great Bob! How's your cousin Tim?
Bob: Poor guy, some stupid college girl went out drinking so he's still stuck in purgatory...

Puts a whole new spin on Catholic guilt doesn't it?

***We also give up things to be in solidarity with Christ's suffering.

--AC

Random things that teach us life lessons: Slow Cars

2011-04-08T13:28:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.A

A couple of weeks ago I was driving to one of my music classes at our North Campus. It's just straight down the road about a mile from Main Campus, where I live. And like always I was running late. Of course, I encountered a car going 20 mph (speed limit is 30 mph). Frustrated, I got on the guy's back bumper to "remind" him of the speed limit. He wasn't speeding up. So I lagged back, saying to myself : "doesn't this guy know college students speed up and down this road everyday?"

All of a sudden, I had to slam on my brakes to keep from hitting him as he turned. (He didn't use his turning signal.) About ready to honk (even though my horn didn't work) I saw where he was turning....the cemetery.
My stomach turned. I suddenly understood why he was driving so slow. I've never been one to speed off to the cemetery either.

I've thought about that moment a lot ever since. The guy didn't mean to make me late for class- he was probably visiting his deceased wife or child or friend. I would drive slow too.
So now when I get behind a slow car I try to take in account that a person is driving that car. I take that time to pray- for that person and for really anything that's on my heart.
(I also make sure I leave earlier for class or wherever I'm driving)

Things that Catholics do all the time but don't know why they do it: Making the Sign of the Cross

2011-04-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.A

Last night after I prayed with the Sisters, a person came into the chatroom and asked why Catholics make the sign of the cross. I got excited. I quickly leaned forward in my seat, fingers at the ready to answer the question when I suddenly realized: I don't know why Catholics make the sign of the cross. Awkward.
Luckily, someone answered something to the affect that we are acknowledging the Holy Trinity (Father, Son and Holy Spirit).
Here's what wikipedia had to say about the sign of the cross:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sign_of_the_cross

So, now we know why Catholics (and other Christians) make the sign of the Cross.

You know the nice thing about having "awkward" in your blogs name is that you can end the blog awkwardly without worrying if it'll sound awkward- it's supposed to be awkward.

Awkward Catholic Moment #2: Explaining the new Mass Translation of the Roman Missel to your Grandma

2011-04-05T13:29:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.A

Actual dialog between my grandma and I.

Grandma: Why are we switching back to Latin?
Me: We're not switching back to Latin. The new translation of the Mass is just more Latin based. It's all still in English.
Grandma: I never knew why we switched to English from Latin in the first place.
Me: Well, you know, it was a decision they made during the Vatican II council to change it.**
Grandma: What's Vatican II?
Me: (Silence-bury's head in hands)

I've had this same conversation with other parisheers in my hometown. This is not anyone's fault. A lot of these people where out of school when the changes of the 1960's took place and never had the opportunity to learn why it changed- or never bothered asking.
You may not agree with the changes, however with this new translation, we have the opportunity as Catholics to reeducate ourselves and to ask questions as why we do what we do.
(Steps down from Soapbox)

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, here is a link to what the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops has about the new translation: http://usccb.org/romanmissal/

**VERY simplified answer. There's way more to this than what I gave to Grandma.

Awkward Catholic Moment #1: Standing at the end of the pew

2011-04-04T13:15:00.000-07:00

J.M.J.A.T.K.A

The Church is packed. You come in late. You frantically walk back and forth in the back of the church looking for a place to sit. You finally see a space available. But as you walk up you notice there is someone sitting on the end of the pew.
So you must stand there without saying a word until they notice you and hopefully move over. The seconds tick by, there's no where else to sit-everyone is looking at you- except the person at the end of the pew. Your back starts to get hot. You start to sweat. This person must be having an intense prayer moment because they are not noticing your pathetic threats to jump over them.
At last! They finally notice you...and give you the dirtiest look they can muster, their eyes telling you to go to Hell and finally begrudgingly move over 2 inches.

You spend the entire Mass debating whether or not to shake their hand at peace time.

At peace time, you eventually shake their hand and wish them peace.

This is my metaphorical introduction to the blog world- standing awkwardly until you notice me. You may give the death glare but I will shake your hand as a sign of peace.